Dear Stephen [Director of Marketing & Game Presentation; Peoria Chiefs]:
Hello! I hope you remember me, but I am the guy who asked about the shot glass way back when your promotional schedule was released. You politely told me I could not have one, but I was hoping that you would hold one for me because I am such a swell minor league fan. Alas, apparently you did not because I have never heard from you again, which is cool because everyone knows the town of Peoria, Illinois never really sleeps, so you were certainly very busy.
I recently completed an 11,000 mile road trip across North America in which I visited many minor league parks, even in Canada. I drank with minor league execs across the land, hung out in luxury suites (gaining entry both by invitation and stealth), threw out first pitches, acted as a celebrity food judge in parks, and spent large amounts of entertainment dollars. Obviously, I did not stop at Dozer Park, mainly because I never heard back from you. I did not really have time for a large Midwest League excursion, so I just visited the clubs in that league that shared correspondence with me over the course of the glorious 2019 season, which has flown by.
I am writing you today to inform you that is never too early to get on the 2020 Bads85 bandwagon. This year’s road trip certainly cemented my status as kind of a big deal, so teams will certainly be clamoring for me to visit their park to bring joy and minor league wisdom to their games. Despite your defending silence over the season, for some reason I took a liking to your Peoria Chiefs.
Since your season will be over very soon since there is no way in hell the last place Chiefs will make the postseason, I figured you might want to get busy planning my arrival next year, maybe run a Bads85 Bobblehead Night by the top brass. Some Bads85 drink specials would be a nice touch so the commoners can bask in my glow also. I could also throw out the first pitch because I have a great deal of practice now.
Maybe we can order some food for delivery since Professional Sports Catering still services you stadium, and we do not want to waste valuable time standing in their hellacious lines. Or maybe we can just grill in your office and get some ice cream to pour some Fireball over. My buddy Nick and I invented a new shot — Fireball with a sliver of vanilla been ice cream. When I was in Canada, I came up with the idea of carne asada poutine, with both the Inland Empire 66ers and the Fayetteville Woodpeckers want to introduce next season. You see, Stephen, I am an idea man, just not a box office draw because of my pretty face.
Anyway, I am hearing some dolphins crying, which is usually a sign that powerful ideals are beginning to ascend, so I need to write other people.
Your friend in baseball,