Dear Austin Schwartz [Fayettevile Peckerwoods Vice President, Sales & Marketing]:
I hope the New Year finds you well. I can tell you have kept yourself busy because you did not respond to my last missive, which practically gave you a license to print money with the slogan “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” I am sure you have been diligently getting purchase orders to the printing company properly completed rather than just dismissing me as a random internet loon.
I write you this evening to update you on the Peckerwood Hat reception at both Disneyland and Mexicali. Well, Austin the hat was a smashing success in Disneyland. I was being asked so many questions in line that I started telling people to look for them in the gift store outside the Star Tours ride, and if there were none left there, the hats could be ordered online.
Mexicali was another story entirely. People were glaring at me, thinking, “Look at the Guero with his little bird hat. Let’s kick his ass!” Well, they were thinking that when my buddy Harold went to the bathroom. They would not dare think such thoughts when he was around because they could just sense his ninja qualities (the Border Patrol could also, but that is a story for another day). However, when Harold was not around, loosely translated, they thought my mother had the face of a jackass. At first, I thought it was my El Cucuy jersey, and they thought I was engaging in acts of cultural appropriation, but the stares disappeared when I donned my Aguilas de Mexicali beanie to combat the severe cold.
The El Cucuy jersey is part of the IE 66ers Copade la Diversion experiment. I see that your organization did not participate in that last year with you guys being all busy abandoning the California League to get the hell out of that shithole Lancaster. Your organization should look to rectify that his year. Did you know the Spanish word for woodpecker is “pájaro carpintero.” The imperial woodpecker is indigenous to Baja, Mexico and is similar to our Peckerwood. It is one the critically endangered species list though, which means it will be hanging out with the Do Do soon.
Anyway, I am pretty sure the Mexicali fans would only purchase a Fayetteville hat with a tougher looking bird on it. Or a picture of Colin Wyers. Do you know that guy? He works for the Astros also. He is a bit of a legend in my circles. You put that guys’ likeness on the hat and your international sales will spike. Unlike the imperial woodpecker, that guy might live forever.
I will leave you with some exciting news. There are three new minor league parks opening this year — Las Vegas, Amarillo, and yours. I am trying to make it to all three. If my schedule aligns right, I should be at your park sometime in July. I think a twenty percent discount on merchandise is fair. Perhaps we could sit next to each other for a bit in a luxury box.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Don’t you think “November Rain” is a fine final song of a road trip playlist?