First Pyro Assenmacher’s spirit invaded Cleveland Indians’ Chris Perez’s body in Texas this weekend, now Eric Plunk’s ghost entered Joe Smith’s frame in the bottom of the eight inning. Perez even looks like a younger, shaggier Assenmacher, and upon closer scrutiny, Smith has some similar traits as Plunk.
Look at those diabolical eye brows underneath Smith’s cap — very Plunk like. Those eyebrows scream “Ninth Inning, Game Three of the 1997 World Series.” Those eyebrows are concentrated pain. You know who else has arching, evil eyebrows? Chief Wahoo.
I had an epiphany in about Chief Wahoo during Game Six of the 2007 ALCS. I was in Scottsdale, and when Fausto Carmona gave up that grand slam to J.D. Drew, I motioned for the bartender at the Grapevine to give me the entire bottle of Grey Goose because I knew the season was over. After haggling over legalities and price, the old sot finally obliged. About halfway through that bottle, I realized that Chief Wahoo was no longer my friend. In fact, he had never been my friend, and he was smiling all the time because he was laughing at my pain. That night did not end well — the Beloved Nephew passed out before 7 PM, leaving me to wander Old Town alone, cursing the gods at the top of my lungs. How I did not go to jail that night is another one of life’s little mysteries.
But I digress. Larry Dolan needs to tap his St. Ignatius connections and have a priest meet the team at the airport and get busy on the tarmac. If Assenmacher and Plunk are around, Jose Mesa can’t be far behind. Hell, Alvin Morman and Chad Ogea have probably been invited to the party, although Ogea is certainly still hurt, so he can’t do much damage. If Tony Fernandez is around though…