Ubaldo Jimenez Traded to Indians

Chris Antonetti flashed the future his bare ass today, trading Alex White, Drew Pomeranz, Matt McBride, and Joe Gardner to the Colorado Rockies for Ubaldo Jimenez. Gardner, a AA pitching train wreck, will be selling tires soon, and while McBride (AAA) has some upside, at 26 there isn’t much sand in his hour glass. White and Pomeranz are a much different story; they are blue chip pitching prospects — the stuff aces from which aces can emerge.

“I dropped some acid to relieve the trade deadline pressure, and when I was peaking, the Deion Sanders fairy in the DirecTV starting talking to me,” confessed a haggard Antonetti after the Indians dramatic victory. “He said, ‘Chris, I look like a damn fool, but the money is right. I seized the moment, as well should you. Plus, you need a nickname. Make the deal, and you will have one. Forget about White and Pomeranz; they probably won’t develop in your organization because you guys are incompetent. Remember Jeremy Sowers?”

Jimenez has a very club friendly contract, so he will be with the Indians through at least 2013, unless the Indians are out of the race this time next year. “If we stink next year, I will still have trade bait, even though I cleaned out the system this year,” bubbled Antonetti. “What more could a GM ask for? When asked about Jimenez’s declining velocity this season, Antonetti shouted, “What? I never heard of that! Shit! I need to make some calls to undo this mess.”

As the trade was hitting the internet, the Tribe’s new savior, Fukudome, hit a deep sacrifice fly in the bottom of the ninth to tie the game, then Matt “Redemption” LaPorta hit a game winning home run that ensured a great many people in Cleveland will be happy drunks tonight.

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