Dear Anderson Rathburn [General Manager, Burlington Sock Puppets]:
I hope you are well as I have not heard from you in these troubled times. The Bengals as well as OBJ are going to the Super Bowl, Mariah Caray’s career is in the shitter, and the Kingsport Axmen are cutting into the Sock Puppets’ popularity in the Appalachian League. Eden is burning, Anderson. I hope you are not in the throes of a wicked bender, or worse, working on a PhD. A call to arms has been issued. How we respond will determine who walks tall in the Appalachian League and who eats pork ’n beans out of a can with the hobos.
Hey, do you follow the Sock Puppets’ Twitter? If so, you caught a glimpse of a ruggedly handsome man with Sock Puppets’ hat holding one the last remaining bottles of Jim Beam Maple at his bar in his backyard. That was me, showing my vulnerability. Whoever is running your Twitter account wanted to come over, which I though was very forward as there are all sorts of psycho strangers on the internet. But I digress.
We need to erect a sign that says. “Without Trauma or Generational Burden” over the main gate at Burlington Athletic Park. One of the appeals of the minors is that we are not burdened by the past. Team failures are not passed down to children. The only true anguish of the minors is when the cotton candy machine breaks, although a toilet clog ain’t no fun. We need to live this mantra — tattoo it to our souls and flesh. Since there are seventeen tattoo parlors in Burlington, this flesh tattoos should not be hard. The soul tattoos, well, that is a state of mind.
We should also ban Johnny Manziel forever from Burlington Athletic Park. We could gain even more national attention if we turned this decree into a promotion called “Go Home Loser Night”. You know he will respond, mostly in monosyllabic words. Burn cardboard effigies of him between innings. Hire some dancing clowns wearing cheap swag. Invite Nick Cannon to the game (but do not let him in either). I know you are thinking, “But Bads85, what if a crazed, drug fueled Johnny Manziel comes to our stadium?” A well placed sniper solves many problems, Anderson. Once you are in the industry longer, you will fully understand that.
Speaking of Burlington Athletic Park, what does outfield signage for for these days? While I am a simple, humble man, I do have connections around this country. When people discovered I had appointed myself your director of promotions, I became inundated with requests from local businesses to purchase ads at you stadium. Since I do not have my official Sock
Puppet credentials yet, I could not give them a quote. BTW, have you discussed my coming aboard with Ryan Keur [Owner and Appalachian League Legend]? Having that official Sock Puppet email address could really get the ball moving on my end. Also, a list of current corporate partnerships would be greatly appreciated, even if it is just a picture of your outfield wall.
Some other promotion ideas:
1. Sock Puppet Can Opener/Pork N Beans Night. Fans will not only receive a Sock Puppets can opener that they will cherish forever, but they will receive a can of Campbell’s Baked Beans on the way out the gates (a can of beans can turn a vicious weapon with one bad call from an umpire). Get your corporate people to lock in Campbell’s as the night’s sponsor because every good American – never mind, this is not going anywhere. Sometime you have to kill your babies and move forward. Toss this one around the office to see if one of your masterminds can breathe life into it because it started with promise, but who wants a goddamn can opener in the year 2022?
2. 1K Beer Stroll. Many organizations have Beer Runs, but running is for chumps, and there is a great deal of vomiting. Let people amble with their beer on the field after the game, waving to loved ones in the stands. Some will prefer to drink alone, but who are we to judge?
Anyway, I have to run because I have to haggle with the Eugene Emeralds over future travel expenses. I am grateful I do not have that problem your organization.
Your friend in baseball,