Dear Alex Cirina [Ticket Representative; Eugene Emeralds]:
Thank you for your prompt response to my missive about season tickets for your organization. We will talk more about that clever invoice you sent me in a bit, but before we get to that, you said if I had any questions, I could ask you. Well, Alex, I have many questions, so many questions. Thank you so much for offering to answer them.
- Train A leaves the station traveling at 30 miles per hour. Two hours later train В leaves the same station traveling in the same direction at 40 miles per hour. How far from the station was train A overtaken by train B?
- What is the meaning of a good life?
- What in life is truly objective and not subjective?
- Is there an alternative to capitalism?
- Is there a difference between fair and free trade?
- Does Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] miss me? Or was I just another notch in his belt?
- When is the Emeralds’ 2022 promotion schedule going to be released?
- Have you ever heard of anyone that has raised over $1900 dollars for a minor league charity in less than twenty-four hours after the general manager strongly suggested it was impossible?
- Has Allan Benavides ever mentioned that if I retired and moved to Eugene, he would bring me aboard the Emeralds’ staff?
- Would you, Alex Cirinia [Ticket Representative; Eugene Emerlads] kill ten people to save the lives of one hundred people?
I ask the last question because you sent me an invoice for $3,150 for season tickets and parking passes. I mean, that is psychopath behavior. Or sociopath. I always get those two confused. I must compliment you on the aggressiveness of the sales’ pitch, but I question how serious the Emeralds are at retaining my companionship. I do not need four tickets for sixty-five dates. Because of my extreme spiritual wealth, I could purchase all four tickets and ensure that four of Eugene’s most savage hobos sit in those seats sixty times a year, but I am firm believer that the homeless should not be pawns in this game called life.
Let’s approach this as a business deal. I only need two tickets for a couple of dates, but would like all the privileges that come with being a season ticket holder, especially first rights to procuring tickets to the new stadium that will soon be built at the fairgrounds. However, unlike many full season clubs like the Inland Empire 66ersm the Ems’ season ticket privileges seem kind of lacking. 20% off the Team Shop is nice, but I already own most of the merchandise in your team shop. I am sure we can negotiate some additional privileges for ol’ Bads85, but that is for another missive. One certain perk would be the front office is drinking with my traveling party after the games at The Cooler.
Since your organization has a Flexible Ticket Exchange Policy (one of MiLB’s greatest inventions), I only need one season ticket because I can double up on games, so that is $745. As everyone in all of MiLB front offices know, Bads85 does not have to pay for parking, so we do not have to worry about parking passes. Just put me on Allan’s parking list.
$745 is quite expensive for a couple of games even if I have a moderate group, but privilege comes with a cost – a cost that I am willing to pay. However, in the sense of equity (remember, I am all about the rights of the working fan), I think we should apply some discounts. Sure, we could dicker over these discounts like commoners in a open air market, or we could be gentlemen and establish what each consider a fair price. Keep in mind that I will gladly let the Ems sell my seat on nights I will not using it (or I a could come up with a really mind blowing promotion for that unused seat).
I realize that you might feel uncomfortable making this decision by yourself, so feel free to ask Allan what he considers a fair price. If he is grumpy, feel free to ask Kennedy Schull [Director of Tickets; Eugene Emeralds]. I ask you one last question: what price is the right price?
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Make sure Allan keeps his hair trimmed as he will probably be getting interviewed much more often in the near future.