I Discuss Pizza Rat Prejudice

Dear David Percarpio {Director of Merchandise; Staten Island Yankees]:

I recently purchased a Staten Island Pizza Rats t-shirt online because that is one killer alternative identity, and I was afraid that your organization might disappear with Robert Manfred’s proposed contraction. I was pleasantly amused when it arrived in a pizza box with a packet of parmesan cheese. I thought I would be the talk of the California League circuit with this shirt, but the events of today made me question this hypothesis. In short, people treated me like a monster for wearing Pizza Rats shirt. Is this type of thing normal? 

It all started when I girded my loins this morning to embark on my minor league ambassador duties because a true minor league ambassador never really rests, especially during the offseason. My first stop was LoanMart Field, where the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes play, to deliver a bag of very cold and hard dog poop to their season ticket holder entrance. As a former season ticket holder as of the end of the 2019 season, I wanted to show my appreciation of the customer service their organization has offered over the years. In retrospect, an employee probably will not find the bag until late March because attention to detail is something that is lacking at LoanMart Field, but I certainly had a spring to me step as I walked back to the car.

From there I went to a Starbucks because chain restaurants are about all you can find in Rancho Cucamonga. I wanted an Egg Nog Latte, but Skippy the Barista took one look at my Pizza Rats’ shirt and snarled he was out of Egg Nog. I am now sure how someone can run out of Egg Nog before Valentine’s Day, but Skippy seemed to be a bit overwhelmed with his job this morning, so I just ordered something cold with light ice because I had miles to go before I slept. Imagine my dismay when Skippy served me a drink so filled with ice that it bent my paper straw. When I told him, I ordered light ice, he barked that is light ice in these parts.

There was a time I would have cut a man for that type of insolence, but that was before I made the acquaintance of Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans], who taught me that there was indeed live after love. I did insist politely that Skippy make the drink the way I ordered it, and he looked at me like I was a fan of an organization that had a perverse contract clause with the city of New York that actually discouraged attendance to avoid paying the city revenues if attendance numbers hit a certain mark. Skippy did remake the drink the way I wanted it though because I did not get to this station in life by letting people like Skippy slide.

From there I went to Total Wine and More to purchase some Knob Creek Smoked Maple Bourbon for sweet, sweet dreams when Wee Willie Winkie rings in the New Year. A San Bernardino County Deputy Sheriff was sitting in his idling cruiser, just waiting for the opportunity to harass the good working folk visiting the store for some libations. Well, he saw my Pizza Rats shirt, and jumped out of his car, reaching for his baton. I did the only thing that can stop a law dog i that situation, and chirped, “CORRUPTION!” Sure enough, Law Dog stood down, and I went into the store to get my booze because sobriety is not an accident, just poor planning.

When I went to pay for my bottle, Celeste the Cashier took look one look at my Pizza Rats shirt, and —— hey, I need to share a great t-shirt idea for your organization. “Contract This, Robert!” with a pizza rat grabbing its crotch. You might be wondering why I am giving you a license to print money with this idea, but you see, David, I am a giver. You can ask the Fayetteville Woodpeckers how well my t-shirt ideas soar. I was the the guy who came up with the “Fear The Wood! Respect the Pecker!” t-shirt that took the Carolina League by storm. Don’t ask their top brass about it though because they were all sore about sexual innuendos tarnishing their product, so I had to hire a local t-shirt company to print the shirts. Those guys are rich enough to have a cocaine problem these days.

Anyway, it is getting late here in California, so I would just like to reiterate my concerns about how people treated me today while wearing the the Pizza Rats shirt. Is that something to expect in the future? If so, I am going to want to order about ten more.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Some say it will the be the Year of the Rat. Others say it will be the Year of the Space Hog. I think it will be the Year of the Tufted Titmouse.

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