Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
I received your email today about the upcoming Annual Season Ticket Holder BBQ and Batting Practice on September 10th. As of right now, I am a definite maybe since that is a long way off in my life planner. Hey, remember when the 66ers would make the playoffs and the separation and the end of the season BBQ was not that great? That was a long time ago — five years to be exact. We were all so much more innocent then, thinking there would always be someone like Anthony Bemboom carry the team through September.
These days, September is like an empty cargo train pushing onto through the dark night, searching for freight yards not on the way home. The lonely whistle might pierce the night, but the local legends are not getting out of bed as the wind howls through the canyon. Spring is so far away as San Manuel Stadium sits empty. Even the Mark Sappington Bobblehead on the mantle looks dour during September.
Speaking of bobbleheads, I see if I give you my deposit for next year’s season tickets, I will receive a bobblehead to be named later. Considering last year’s was the immortal Jo Addell, how can I pass on this opportunity, even though I can remember when jerseys were given away for early season ticket purchases. I certainly do not a repeat of last spring’s fiasco when my season ticket renewal became intertwined with potential contract negotiations with the Elmore Sports Mafia, so I am going to reserve tickets during this final homestead after about eighteen shots at The Garage. Hopefully, my Thirsty Thursday crew will do the same.
This September might be different because the Arizona Fall League has been moved up a month, meaning there is no lull between the Cal League playoffs and the greatest spectacle in the desert that baseball has to offer. Perhaps you should ride with my crew out there as we dance where angels fear to tread. Or maybe GM Joe will make you stay home and make you push those advance group sales. Or brainstorm between inning promotions. Here are some suggestions so you can sneak away to go to Arizona with us:
- Any game in which the loser is humiliated. Everyone is tired of seeing little kids win. Make them lose painfully, and we can all cheer when they cry. Put capes on the little plate breakers, give them the illusion they are super heroes, and then have Bernie yank the cape, spilling them onto the turf as the rabid crows cheers.
- Games that involve alcohol. Sure, booze, is not allowed on the field, so have these adult contests in The Garage. Losers have to sit next to that crazy lady who is there every game.
- Finish the Point Break quote. Show a clip from the all time classic film, then have the participant finish the line.
Mr. Reeves on the big screen: I’ve been to every city in Mexico. I came across an unclaimed piece of meat in Baja, turned out to be Rosie. I guessed he picked a knife fight with somebody better. Found one of your passports to Sumatra, I missed you by about a week at Fiji…..
Participant: But, I knew you wouldn’t miss the fifty year storm, Bodhi,
4. Bring back God’s greatest gift since beer: Knocker Ball.
5. Dueling air guitarists on each dugout. Winner is the person with the loudest cheer.
Well, I need to get some rest so I am fresh for the last Thirsty Thursday of the season. I am torn over what to wear as I always want to look my best.
Your friend in baseball,