Dear Adam [Director of Promotion, Inland Empire 66ers of San Bernardino]:
Another season of baseball is rapidly approaching, and you have yet to release the promotional schedule because your boss, GM Joe, is too busy basking in his accolades (Cal League Executive of the Year) to crack that whip. It seems like just yesterday that the 66ers led the league in attendance, thanks largely to Mike Trout’s rehab and Cesar E. Chavez Middle School, but pitchers and catchers report to spring training in less than a month, and I have no clue when the bobblehead nights will be.
I am sure there will be one of my likeness this year because of all the money I have spent on beer at the ballpark over the years, and I am San Bernardino’s favorite adopted son. I will even accept one with a macrobeer sponsor on it because we all know I am not picky when it comes to beer. I appreciate you keeping what profile of my likeness you will using a surprise; the anticipation is great, almost like the lead up to Christmas. That reminds me, I bet Bernie holiday inflatables would be a top seller in the team store. Hell, I might buy one for everyone on my street.
But I digress. Look, I know most of your season ticket holder base has no travel plans over the summer because they can barely find their way out of bed in the morning, but I always have places to go and people to see. Miles to go before I sleep isn’t a poem to me; it is a lifestyle. I need that promotional schedule to plan. My wife thinks it is absurd that our summer travel plans revolve around minor league giveaways, but a man has to draw a line in the sand somewhere.
Speaking of travel, did you know that Frontier Airlines does not offer wifi on domestic flights? That is partly why I am writing you as I am bored out of my mind and the drink cart is so, so slow on the flying coffin. They charge for snacks and soda also, which means I am just going straight to the bourbon neat.
Hey, remember a few years ago when you guys jacked up beer prices, and I led the protest, and all of a sudden a bunch of Berdoo hobos walked into the bathrooms and tried to flush the toilets at the same time to create enough pressure to blow the pipes? Boy, GM Jo was cross about that one, even though it didn’t even work. Well, I was finishing my business in the men’s room at Ontario International Airport this morning when BOOM, the toilet turned into a magnificent fountain. I didn’t really have time to appreciate its glory as my jeans were getting soaked, but now that I am somewhere over New Mexico and my jeans have dried, I must say it was a sight to behold, and reminds me that San Manuel Stadium really needs a water feature in beyond the outfield walls. Get on that, ok?
Well, Adam, the waitress in the sky is saying I must put away my electronic devices even though the runway is far, far away. so I better cut this short. However, her tone made me remember something: is Kill a Nazi Night still a go this year? I sure hopes so. I know GM Joe steers away from political promotions, but killing Nazis really isn’t political. It is one of those rare occasions where civic duty meshes nicely with good, clean fun. Oh, and let me know about Take a Hobo To Your Boss’s House For Dinner Night also.
Your friend in baseball,