Richard T. Enispay, the greatest investigative sports reporter in the history of civilization, has left the friendly confines of retirement behind his country club walls to break a bombshell that only he can deliver. The man who uncovered that John Wayne enjoyed drinking Slippery Nipples with Art Modell while dressed in women’s lingerie is reporting that Mark Shapiro is planning on moving the Toronto Blue Jays to Jackson, Mississippi.
“I had discussed the move in great detail with my employers even before the 2016 NBA All Star Weekend,” said a furtive Shapiro as his beady eyes darted around the S&M bar where Enispay cornered him. “However, Rogers Communications realized that the Blue Jays could never compete with the memories of that weekend, and that Drake would probably never sing a song about the splendor of our baseball facility because it is a dump.”
When Enispay asked him why the hell he would want to move the team to Jackson, Shapiro mumbled something about Jackson being named after the greatest hero of the War of 1812, and that the jilted Canadians should never be allowed to forget that. When told that Andrew Jackson spent most of the war fucking up the Red Sticks, not the Canadians, Shapiro spat, “Well, I can’t move the team to a town called Zebulon Pike because those fuckers murdered that strikingly handsome man in his prime at York when they blew up the magazine in cowardly fashion!”
Shapiro refused to acknowledge that Pike was immediately remembered at the War of 1812, but faded from American consciousness after the Civil War. “Had Pike’s life not been cut short by those murdering Canadians, York doesn’t get sacked and maybe this city would have developed some culture beyond real estate speculation,” hissed Shapiro. “Cause and effect! Those Canadian bastards have forgotten all about Fort Mims also. It is very easy to be politically correct if you forget that history is linear!”
Shapiro did shed some light on why Rogers Communications would be willing to move their baseball team to the Deep South. “I convinced them that a decent stadium could never be built in Canada – that wasn’t hard. I just had to show them the Women’s World Cup monstrosities and those goofy looking CFL stadia, and the big brass said, ‘Fuck, you sure are correct.’ These guys just wanted something that could hold some natural grass. I told them we could build a new stadium one brick at a time in Mississippi, and each brick would contain the soul of one Canadian. They were all for that.”
Dead Religions 