Hey, remember when Toronto Blue Jays’ fans were cuddly puppies that endeared themselves to America because everyone wanted to just to play fetch with their new, adorable friends? Of course you don’t because that never happened. Ever. Blue Jays’ fans were those entitled jerks that flocked to Cleveland Municipal and Tiger Stadiums during that brief time when their team was good. Enduring those boobs at the ballpark for those two years was tough, mostly because of their flatulence and their loud wives. Fortunately, that was long enough ago that most of those folk are dead, felled by hardened arteries and prison rape enactments gone wrong.
Now that Blue Jays actually made the playoffs in 2015, the obnoxious Canadian briefly surfaced, but thankfully Mark Shapiro is on the job now, so Canadian baseball should receive a death blow like the 1994 work stoppage. With only one minor league team left that play in the teeny tiny, dilapidated Scotiabank Field at Nat Bailey Stadium (that is the real name of the stadium) in Vancouver, perhaps baseball could be gone for good in Canada by the year 2022. Canadians probably won’t even miss it because they will still be basking in the glow of the greatest NBA All Star Weekend.
But today let’s not dwell on the Blue Jays; let us look at the Toronto Raptors and their six first round playoff exits. They only made the playoffs one other time, which resulted in a semi-final departure. Couple all that with 716-932 franchise record, and one can easily see the fine NBA tradition in Toronto that was the foundation to the greatest All Star Weekend in the modern era. The Raptors are the Cleveland Cavilers without LeBron, and everyone knows Cleveland sure knows how to party!
However, this all just a prelude to today’s main topic: the dismal state of the Canadian teams in NHL and Bads 85’s excellent solution to that. Three of the four NHL divisions have Canadian teams sitting in last place right now. The only division that doesn’t is the division that doesn’t have a Canadian team because Canada just isn’t that populous due to short life expectancies due to poor diet. Arizona, a franchise on life support in the desert valley, is better than almost all the Canadian teams. The best Canadian team is that juggernaut the Ottawa Senators, who have surged to a 29-26-3 record.
The NHL really doesn’t need to be straddled with these albatrosses, so they should just cut loose the Canadian teams and expand further south into Mexico. The Peso will soon be worth more than the Looney anyway as Canada’s oil economy craters. I am sure some fucking hockey purist will point to the strong attendance in Montreal, Calgary, and Toronto as evidence as the NHL should remain in Canada, but those aren’t real revenues because Canadians pay with worthless tender. However, I am a reasonable guy who doesn’t want to completely shit on everyone’s fun and tradition, so I am willing to offer this compromise: after a Mexican expansion draft, relegate six Canadian NHL teams to a developmental league. Allow the best Canadian team to stay in the NHL for the small price of a nuclear carrier task force. The team with the best record in the developmental league supplants the Canadian NHL team, which won’t be any good, and no one in America will know where the team is from anyway.