Little Bads

Much of my kids’ school was in attendance of the 66er game the other night as the choir sang the national anthem. My boy snagged a foul ball on a food run with my wife. The boy was pretty excited to show his friends his foul ball, but he was more amped to tell the story about how the foul ball almost killed an old man. I really haven’t put the particulars of that one together yet— I just know it doesn’t include the zombies from Call of Duty: Black Ops, which dominate most of his stories these days.

After about his fifth re-telling of the foul ball story, this went down:

Parent: You sure like to tell stories, don’t you?
LB (without pausing): Yeah, I am a real chatterbox —- but they are all true though!
Parent: Well, you have good stories—-
LB: You should hear the ones my dad has! One time, my mom had to pretend to be Uncle Kenneth’s husband so he wouldn’t get arrested. He ran out on the field in the rain and did all these funny poses, and my mom told the cops, “Please, please, don’t arrest him. He’s my husband, and we have to go back to California to our kids.”

The eyes of all the parents in out section immediately focused on my wife and I. “Yeah, it’s true,” I said with a “what are you going to do shrug.” Some parents laughed while some scowled. A couple dad’s gave me the look that let me know they fully understood.

LB: Hey, wanna hear the story when I tried to tackled the cop?
Mom: Patrick, stop! NOW.
A couple other highlights:

LB: Dad, can I go with my friends down to pavillion to try to catch more foul balls?
Me (half jokingly): Yeah, but don’t do anything to make security mad.
LB: Don’t worry. We have codes. They won’t figure it out until it’s too late.
Me : Figure what out?
LB: Uh…. Nothing, don’t worry about it. We won’t go. Can we get some ice cream?

During the third inning, a giant Dick’s Sporting Goods’ ad flashed on the scoredboard. The ad was just “Dick’s” in huge letters. This sent LB and his second grade friends into a tizzy.

Me: What’s so funny?
LB: Dick’s! On the scoreboard!
Me: What so funny about that?
LB (raising an eyebrow): Oh, Dad, I think you know. Look how big that Dicks is!

Between halves of the sixth inning, ZZ Top’s Sharp Dressed Man began blasting over the loud speakers. Suddenly, my boy explodes out of the tunnel, racing down the aisle. His eyes are wide with a combination of wonder, fear, and pure adrenaline rush. The half grin on his wild face can only indicate one thing: my boy is being chased by some sort of authorty figure. Sure enough, a fat security dude comes out of the tunnel. A little bit later:

Security Officer: Tell you dad what you were doing!
LB (trying to look remorseful): I was peeing in the bush.
Me: Why didn’t you go to the restroom?
LB: Mom says they are full of pervs.
Mom: We need to go. NOW.