Cleveland Indians closer Chris Perez blew his first save on Opening Day, pushing his 2012 ERA to a nice, round 40.50. “It felt good to disappoint those fans,” said a jubilant Perez after the game. “Squashing hope is what I do best. The fact my performance eventually drained the pen on the first day of the season was the cherry on top of my dung sundae.”
Tactical genius Manny Acta chose to leave newly acquired reliever Jairo Asencio in for three innings so he could eventually give up a three run jack to J.P. Arencibia. “It’s a long season,” said Acta. I need to save the rest of my pen for a rainy day. We have a game on Saturday, and my unused relievers have an early tee time tomorrow out in Quail Hollow. Besides, how long is a guy named Jairo going to stick around in this town?”
Dead Religions 
opening day graphic
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