Orlando Cabrera: Out Making Machine

Orlando Cabrera is chasing black ink this season (black ink is leading the league in a statistical category). He helped that cause by making five outs (1 for 5 with a GDP) at the plate in the first game back from the All Star Break. “Compiling vast quantities of outs is an art form,” a bubbling Cabrera said after the game. “If you do too poorly at the plate, they put you on the bench and call up clowns like Cord Phelps to steal fifty-five plate appearance from you, then jerk his ass around when he has a poor start. Man, that is at least forty outs I lost. To stay in the lineup, I need a knock a game. As long as I do that, I could fondle the bat boy and stay in the lineup because I have Veteran Presence. GMs are willing to sign me for that presence even though I led the league in outs in 2008 and 2009. Hitting into a double play with the bases loaded tonite — no problem if I get that one hit because I am a veteran!”

Cabrera knows he has his work cut out for him, playing in the same league as Juan Pierre, who has a commanding lead in outs (287 to Cabrera’s 238). “Juan has a special talent,” Cabrera said. “That Dodgers’ owner gave him 44 million to make outs. No wonder his [McCourt] crazy ex-wife wants his entire ass in that divorce. Plus, his manager bats him leadoff; that means gets him more plate appearances. My guy won’t do that. If I am lucky he will put me in the two spot if I compliment his chin. That means I have to hit into more double plays, which is doable with Hafner and Santana getting on base in front of me. My stuff almost gets hard when those guys walk with less than two outs because then I can maximize my efficiency.”

Pierre’s career goal is to catch B.J. Surhoff, currently ranked #100 in career outs. “I could get him next season if I find a team that will still let me play every day. All it should take is to dive for a few balls that a younger guy could easily get to. GMs love that stuff — it wreaks of veteran presence!”