Dear Anderson Rathbun [General Manager, Burlington Sock Puppets]:
As your new Director of Promotions, I must say I am a bit concerned you have not been responded to my initial inquiry. I know the holidays recently passed, but MiLB promotions never sleep, even in the college wood bat leagues. Perhaps Baker Mayfield drove you to drink, which would be the only successful drive Mayfield has had since the Bengals’ rout on November 7th, which was a lifetime ago. Lord knows that Kevin Stefanski and Little Lord Mayfield took a sledgehammer to my liver these past few weeks, but the Case Keenum mop up duty should begin next week, so let’s get busy.
While you have been enjoying your holiday as much as Mayfield will allow, I have been brainstorming successful promotions for the Sock Puppets. The first thing we need is an official Sock Puppet shot. Due to the rather absurd dew points in Burlington during the season, my first inclination was to choose old school kamikazes, but serious social drinkers prefer those in pitchers these days, which is why that will be one of our Wicked Wednesday promotions. I decided that Water Moccasins should the the official shot of our organization.
Every game in the middle of the fifth inning is Water Moccasin time as thirsty fans hoist a toast of Crown Royal, peach schnapps, and triple sec to celebrate the boys of summer and to raise funds for a new digital scoreboard, which is not going to fund itself. We will this Shoot for the Scoreboard, and the local will call it Scoreboard Shots, and we will have created some wonderful and pure. Of course, we are going to have to have an official song to do this, and it will be not Styx’s “Mr. Roboto” because that song broke up the band. I would suggest The Smithereens’ “Wall of Sleep” because that is the type of song cool people will dance to at a ballpark. The not so cool people will follow, and we will have an instant tradition that will lead to the premier score board in the Appalachian League.
Let’s talk golf polos. By now, you have probably thoroughly vetted me and know that designing quality golf polos for MiLB teams is one of the things I do. The polos currently offered by the Sock Puppets are not hideous, and are probably a big hit with physical education teachers whose style tastes still lean to the 1990’s, but we need to pursue the golfing market. Solid color polos just are not what is hot these days. North Carolina is a golf mecca; we need to target golf tourists with sharp polos that will draw them to Burlington Athletic Park. This actually could be a massive endeavor; have your interns hammer out some logistics as I have had a little too much drinky drink tonight. Tell them there are no shortcuts while pursing a dream, and that if they fail, they will be forced to pursue a career in retail in an era of disappearing mortar and brick stores.
Here are some other promotions for the 2022 season:
- Sock Hop Saturdays. After every Saturday night game, host an old fashioned sock hop in centerfield do fans can Twist and Shout, Jitterbug, and whatever kids do these days. Re-open alcohol sales and dance the night away.
- Steal Second Base… with a Sniper. Contestants will rely to steal second base, but instead of beating the catcher’s throw, they must elude the paintball rifle of the sniper in the press box. The sniper gets one shot.
- Socratic Debate Sundays: Fans can argue with complete strangers, just like they do on the internet, but at the ballpark.
I hope to hear from you very soon. Tempus Fugit! Tempus Edax Rerum! Caesar crossed the Rubicon, and all we got was this lousy salad!
Your friend in baseball,