Dear Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing & Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
Congratulations on your organization finally beating the Down East Wood Ducks. Can you imagine a first round match up between my two favorite Carolina League teams? Flights from California to Raleigh are surprisingly dirt cheap for that week. Imagine if I made the scene! What will I wear?
Before we can focus on that though, you have a much more pressing concern. I saw that last Wednesday was Celtic Heritage Night at Segra Stadium. My sweet summer child, inviting the Irish into your park is like inviting a hoarse of pyromaniacs into a napalm plant at DuPont. I hope the local law enforcement agencies were prepared to wear full riot gear while your organization had the good sense to lock top the expensive booze. We are talking about a people here who unanimously would rather have Parkinson’s than Alzheimer’s because their logic is it is better to spill a few drops of Bushmill’s rather than to forget where they placed the entire bottle. I hope that you survived to remember this parable the next time you feel compelled to let the Irish in the stadium:
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”
So there are only seven games left at Segra Stadium this inaugural season. How sweet are those stadium replicas that you are giving away this Friday? I bet they will be in high demand. I’d ask you to hold one for me since my visit to your stadium changed the course of your season, but I know many from offices demand that a person be present to receive a giveaway, which makes sense when dealing with the peasants, but it ignores the very few people like me who are kind of a big deal. However, the season really is not about giveaways; it is about the friends we make along the way, especially on Thirsty Thursdays.
Remember, ti is never too early to be thinking of next year’s promotions. Carne Asada Poutine Night needs to happen. You probably will not one able to have any eating contests in upcoming seasons because that dude choked in the Taco Eating contest in Fresno. Who the hell has a taco eating contest anyway? Tacos are meant to be savored, not shoved down one’s throat like prison food. Here are some other suggestions for promotions next season:
1. Mongolian Metal Night. Nothing more really needs to be said about this awesomeness.
2. Duck Season in July Night. Fans get to blast Wood Ducks targets with paint guns, which they should relish since they have been looking up the first place Woodies ‘ass all season.
3. Pray for Rain. Bitch About The Rust Night. I really have no idea what to do for this, but I heard the lyric on the radio this weekend, and haven’t really slept since.
4. Boba Fett Night. Every team has a Star Wars Night. Focus on the character that should have his own trilogy. Let Austin Schwartz be Boba Fett.
5. Field of Screams Night. Have a likens of Judge Landis lead The Children of the Corn kids on a chase of Shoeless Joe and those other numbnuts that walked out of a field for a game of catch. This clever parody of that horseshit MLB is pulling in Iowa next season will garner national attention and sell many t-shirts. Throw in a Zombie Apocalypse blood drive, and you might just be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.
I need to cut this short as I need to continue planning for the big Arizona Fall League trip this October. You should convince Mark Zarther [President; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] to send your front office out to Arizona that same weekend. We can even let Mark lead us into battle at each stadium, kind of like Napoleon before that Waterloo mess. Make sure you hydrate though — OR DIE!
Your friend in baseball.