Dear Professional Sports Catering:
I write to you in hopes that there is a human being beyond this faceless monolith that can assist me with a grave concern. Before I address that concern though, as a season ticket holder for the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes, I would like to say thank you for improving the quality of the concession fare at LoanMart Field. We seasoned veterans of the place used to call it LoanFart Field because, well, I think you know why (actually we still call it the Epicenter because we are not slaves to corporate sponsors).
Before your organization took over operations, the stadium fare was the equivalent of gas station pizza. These days, it is clearly Applebee’s quality. Rome was not built in a day, and either is high quality concession food, so I hope that your company continues to bestow improvements in the fare offered at the beautiful, but hardly original LoanMart Field. I think we all agree that everyone deserves better than Applebee’s at the old ballpark as Applebee’s is where people go when they have given up on the evening – or to escape local law enforcement officials. Perhaps you should look down the road at San Manuel Stadium for ideas. Their motto is “Too Much Bacon Is Never Enough, Even on Ice Cream!” Well, at least it will be once my contract dispute with the general manager is put behind us.
The main reason I write to you is because of a horrific injustice witnessed last November in a concession line at a stadium that your company is responsible for – the Peoria Sports Complex during the Arizona Fall League. There was only one beer line on a Friday night to serve the almost 1,900 people in attendance, and one poor lady working the line. As you well know, Friday is DRINKING NIGHT in Peoria, so the line was almost endless, and took over two innings to get to the front.
What was almost as disheartening as waiting in that line and missing Vladimir Guerrero Jr’s only hit of the night was the cruel conditions in which this poor, poor employee was subjected to work. It can get very cold in the desert at night in November, something both the coastal elites and tubbers from the Heartland do not realize. Not only was the night as frigid as a skater girl at a surf party that night, but it was extremely cold also. Luckily for me I had the warmth of my companions to keep me warm (plus I dressed in layers because this was not my first rodeo), but the poor employer had to keep sticking her hands in coolers of ice to serve the beer. I am sure your organization is familiar with OSHA – you guys do not want to get on the incorrect side of those headhunting bastards.
As you can tell, this incident left a lasting impression on my friends and I, and frankly we want some recompense. Perhaps you should get the employee for Gortex gloves for her hands next year if they have not already been amputated for frostbite. You should also give my group of merry travelers lifetime admittance into the bar in left field during spring training, and you know, maybe assist with the college tuition of the employee’s children since their mother can’t work too much anymore with no hands.
I would like to think that perhaps your organization is only contracted in Peoria for the Cactus League because there is no money to be made in the Arizona Fall League. Perhaps this was the city of Peoria’s fault, and not yours. If so, continue the fine work, but can you still hook us up with those passes to the bar? Because that is the best place to watch the game in Peoria, and last year we were denied because of private parties. Twice.
Anyway, I am sure that we will discuss many things about the food quality at LoanMart Field this season, so offering me those bar passes would ensure our discussion get off on the right foot.
Your friend in baseball,