Hats! Hats! Hats!

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I just sent your Director of Merchandising a request for information about purchasing fifty Peckerwood hats for the Redlands County Club Saturday Men’s Play group. Yes, when the stoic men of Redlands Country Club gird their loins this season, the beloved Peckerwood will be part of our attire. You see, “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” struck a chord with our fearless captain, and that chord has resonated throughout the entire team. I tell you what, Austin, the snowball is gaining momentum and soon will be an avalanche (I am sure the team vote will be just a formality). I certainly hope you have prepared for this and have made the proper orders with your merchandise firms. I suggest putting monograms of “Fear the Wood!” and “Respect the Pecker!” of the side of certain hats.

Just so you know, it is the Peckerwood, not the Woodpecker that has inspired my teammates to embrace your dignified logo (and my slogan which I gifted to you so your organization could make oodles of cash). I understand that we cannot officially change the name at this point in time, but the unofficial moniker is becoming a powerful entity that is already commanding respect.

As I am sure you know, the Woodpeckers are not the only bird logo in the Carolina League with “wood” in the name. Those hillbillies in Kinston call themselves the Wood Ducks and have quite the barbaric weapon wielding mascot. They refer to themselves as the Woodies, and even have that double entendre plastered on their home uniforms. No wonder they only drew 1,779 a game last season. They could have drew that in the High Desert, although I guess not getting sued by the home city is an improvement. Plus, most prison yards have better fields than the High Desert.

Speaking of attendance, I see the Woodpeckers only drew 359 a game last season. I am sure the new stadium and location will rectify that, plus Jim Perry Stadium is tiny, but 359 is a small high school crowd in these parts. How are your season ticket sales going? $900.00 for seats behind the dish is expensive (I pay about $550 for the same seats with the 66ers, but I get to sit with the Unknown and Beautiful). Does that exorbitant price include VIP parking? Are you expecting the executives from Cape Fear Valley Medical Center, Goodyear Tire, Purolator Filters, and MJ Soffee to purchase those seats? If so, expect a great deal of no shows behind home plate throughout the season while the working folk start their slow boil along the foul like in the outfield. Classism is an ugly thing in the minor leagues.  Also, beware of all the teat-suckers from the DoD and Federal Government.

Does the woodpecker have personal name yet? I would suggest Bartholomew – Bart for short. Bart the Righteous Pecker. Maybe he can carry a sword to right the wrongs of the Carolina League, a sword of JUSTICE AND MIGHT! Perhaps that is a little over the top, but you might want to let Ben Hughes run with it.

Another thing you should do is use a movie poster generate to create movie posters that include Bart in all the classics, say like Karate Kid or Tombstone. Imposing Bart over Ralph Macchio and Kurt Russel is something fans will devour.

I need to cut this short because first semester grades are due today. I would just assume give them all A’s and continue to talk about the upcoming season, but then my buddy JLAC would lose his shit over grade inflation. He is a Canadian lawyer, and our friendship is a story for another time.

Your friend in baseball,


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