I don’t have time for pleasantries today, you minx, but I must inform you of an atrocity occurring in your realm. At Dodger Stadium last night, I was forced to park with the peasants, despite my preferred Parking Pass in Lot F. You and I both reached out stations in life by climbing over the backs of peasants—- well, you did anyway. I bought into that fairytale about empowering the poor through education, but like you, I sure as hell don’t want to have to park next to the working poor. I know you can emphasize with my pain.
As I am sure you are aware, it was Yasiel Puig Bobblehead Night last night at Dodger Stadium, so the masses were in full attendance. It seems someone forgot to tell the parking lot attendants though, who were obviously nor prepared for the crowd. Yes, Babs, parking at Chavez Ravine is always dicey, even if one has LOCAL KNOWLEDGE. However, in a true caste system, the Dodgers’ ownership instituted a Preferred Parking program that allows the important people to pay a bit more to avoid all that nonsense.
I must say, Babs, the program had been working pretty well up until last night. Sure, there have been a couple of snafus on Stadium Way this season, but those were LAPD’s fault. You know how those guys can get now that they just can’t beat the hell out of someone with their billy clubs anymore – they play passive aggressive games with traffic control. Last night, though, things were an absolute mess in the stadium parking lot, and I cajole you to make sure things are rectified immediately.
I pulled onto Stadium Way at 6:15 yesterday, plenty of time for a 7:10 Dodger game. However, traffic wasn’t moving. My first thought was that one of those guys selling the counterfeit hats that walks up and down the middle of the street finally got run over. While that would have been a victory for Selective Darwinism, it certainly was playing havoc with my itinerary. By time we made it to the stadium parking entrance, it was 6:50, and we never saw a smashed up hat seller. We did see plenty of drinkers jumping out of their cars to urinate in Elysian Park though – mostly recent post grads who still think they are in college. Can you please find these lads positions in Sacramento so they do not befoul the local park system? Meanwhile, every time a car inched by us, Li’L Bobby and the Executor would shout, “Those are four more bobble heads getting passed out before us! They are going to run out!”
Anyway, we when finally arrived in Lot F, it was full, which is completely unacceptable. One of the reasons it was full is that certain Nuevo Rich were parking their Infinitis, Land Rovers, Lexuses, etc. in two spots. We even witnessed a Fiat pulling this maneuver. I think you would agree with me, Babs, when I say, “Fuck those people.” I mean, they don’t even own true luxury cars. Just as I was about to get very frustrated, a parking attendant in a golf cart drove by and asked me if everything was alright. As you probably deduced, this did not end to my satisfaction when the golf cart dude said he did not have the authority to have autos towed, although Whiskey Jack leaning out the window to yell, “You are doing a helluva job, Brownie!” was quite humorous, mainly because the car door opened on him.
We finally found a spot by the Sunset Avenue entrance, which if you know your geography, is a long way from Lot F. Even then we had to squeeze between two monster trucks whose owners obviously suffer from erectile dysfunction. I think you can imagine how stressful this was, Babs. I really need you to put the fear of God in the Dodgers, who are obviously just sitting on their billion dollar TV deal instead of looking out for their season ticket holders.
When Mr. Stan Kasten raised the parking price back to the McCourt Era fees, he assured the public that the extra money would help ease existing parking problems. I laughed because that was obviously a crock of ####; Kasten just wanted the additional revenue. I did not mind because it did not affect me. Well, last night, there was a breakdown, and I was affected, Babs,—worse, I was soiled.
Normally, I would handle this by myself, but I figured you hadn’t been in the news lately, so you could not only expedite matters for me, but get yourself some positive PR by taking on the obviously corrupt Los Angeles Dodgers. At the very least, empower the Golf Cart Dude. I have faith you will do much more than that, Babs. I have a hunch that you are going to make Stan Kasten use some of those billions to bulldoze a Fastrack Lane through Elysian Park on Stadium Way. That would be progress, Babs! Sure, it will piss off the naturalists, but they have bigger fish to fry with that Climate Change thingy.
I look forward to your progress updates in this matter.
Your friend in baseball,