It’s Been A Long Time, Babs

Dear Babs,

It has been a while since we conversed. I know that you hoped I went away forever, but I would like to think a small part of you still cares how I am doing. After all, it is part of your job description to care about your constituents. The last time I wrote you, Sir Barry Lamar Bonds was still playing baseball, and Hunter S. Thompson was still alive. I know you were close to Hunter, so his passing must have been hard for you. I was tempted to reach out to you shortly after he blew his brains out, but a deal is a deal, and I said I would no longer bother you if you used your political clout to ensure that Keith Olbermann would not be able to continue writing baseball articles. However, it is my duty as citizen of the great state of California to inform you that a menace is spreading in our fair state; I fear that the traffic school industry has been infiltrated by white collared goons.

Yes, Babs, this is not a personal letter (to the intern that is reading this; your boss used to be quite the looker as she had the Honey Wilder thing down pat. Remember that the next time you mumble under your breath about her been a barren, old witch), this is a call to arms. Traffic school has become an instrument of torture and prejudice — a way for grown study hall monitors to inflict pain just because they can. Recently, I was ticketed for driving above the posted speed limit near Blythe as I was driving to Arizona to watch baseball. I know you are thinking, “He was on his way to hang out with those reprobates that fancied themselves outlaws.” Alas, Babs, the Jackalopes are no more; we have been scattered across the desert sands by a cruel wind named Father Time. Besides, we didn’t fancy ourselves as outlaws, we felt we were protectors of our turf. In retrospect, we were probably just a bunch of guys who had looked back and realized our youth had been wasted, but now is not the time for that story because a CRISES is at hand.

Last night I enrolled in an online traffic school to put that nasty ticket business to rest permanently, and I was outraged to learn that online traffic school now has a minimum time requirement, unduly punishing quicker readers. Hasn’t the dumbing down of America since 9/11 gone on long enough? Why is it frowned upon to be of higher intelligence in this nation? Why are bureaucrats allowed to inflict mental anguish on those who don’t have to struggle to formulate ideas?

I was forced to wade through six hours of menial reading. One of the first things I learned is that  person’s car can be impounded if he is caught having sex with a hooker in it, and it was all downhill from there. I question the purpose of that law — what type of puritanical nonsense is that? Do law makers really believe that will keep the whores off the street? People like to have intercourse. Why can’t the working folk pay for sex?  As you well know, Babs, the elite certainly have no problem paying for sex. Also, why was this information presented in the first ten minutes of class?

Much later in the class, I learned that vehicles carrying explosives are not allowed to travel over 55 MPH. Wouldn’t be more prudent to let the ecoterrorists who want to blow up the Redwoods speed so the CHP can pull them over and search their cars? Same with the Tea Baggers who believe that imploding the capitol dome will get Obama out of office. Allow the CHP to bust them before they get to Sacramento. Think of the photo op possibilities with these victories in The War On Terror on California soil!

But I digress. Traffic school should be a leaning exercise, not a punitive experience. The State already spanked me for speeding with the large monetary fine; it doesn’t need to have some cubicle rats figure out to how to waste my time with mundane material (the class included two pages concerning how to reset the trip odometer; something that has nothing to do with traffic safety). I understand that traffic school has become an industry, and I do not wish to hurt that industry. In fact, I propose we expand that industry by making it a requirement to attend a meaningful traffic school anytime their have to renew their driver’s license. Let’s face it, Babs, there are a great many morons on the road who get in my way. Educate these fools, and the STATE will reap the monetary benefits. However, the curriculum of traffic school must change, and most importantly, it should be made shorter, eliminating the filler material to satisfy a time requirement.

For example, part of my reading included what the Low Fuel Indicator and the  Trip Odometer Reset Button was for. Babs, things like this have nothing to do with traffic safety or getting slow drivers out of the fast lane. I also read that I should pack a bag of kitty litter on long trips in case my car gets stuck in the snow or mud. Is the State trying to put AAA out of business, or has the kitty litter lobby become so powerful that it influences product placement in traffic school classes?

I suggest you form a Senate Committee that investigates this Traffic School Gone Wild. At the very least, put some interns on the matter immediately instead of just letting them suck on the government teat. Also, you should funnel some of that traffic school revenue into a fund that will allow my fair city to build a minor league baseball park. Think of it as reimbursement for my time lost in the six hours of traffic school I had to endure.

It has been good to reopen our line of communication, Babs, but I really have to go now because Justified will be on soon. I trust you will do the correct thing.

Your friend in baseball,


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