Asdrubal Cabrera tried to go all Tony Pena Headslap on Carlos Santana in the dugout of Thursday’s Cleveland Indians’ game with the Detroit Tigers. Unlike the docile Jose Mesa, who used to just wince and endure Pena’s physical abuse, Carlos Santana was having none of Cabrera’s tough love. I am sure the conversation went something like this:
Cabrera: You need to get your ass off the bag and catch the damn ball.
Santana: Sure thing; I’ll get on that. In the meantime, why don’t you fuckers learn how to throw?
Santana: You heard me. Learn to throw, all of you. I am tired of having to try to bail you guys out, especially you. Do you know how many throwing errors you have this season? Six.
Cabrera: You can’t talk to me like that! I am an All Star, and now I am asserting my leadership under the public eye! This is my moment!
Santana: Why don’t you lead by fielding better?
Cabrera: What? Don’t you know how many times I have made the highlight reels this year?
Santana: So what? How about some substance over flash? Your UZR is -5.2 so far this year. That is twentieth in the league. You only have a .807 RZR — eighteenth in the league. Dewan and Bill James’ system has below average also. Every system does.
Cabrera: You know I hate when you use those acronyms I —
Santana: They are initialisms, not acronyms, and they say you aren’t that good with your glove. Learn the language, or you will never lead in this white man’s world.
Cabrera: When all those people in the stands cheer, that says I am good!
Santana: Those are the same numbnuts who think Omar Vizquel was the defensive equivalent of Ozzie Smith. Look, you are weak at going to your right, and you don’t exactly tear up the soft stuff staright at you because you play deep so you can cheat to your left so you make the damn highlight reel.
Cabrera: I think it is time I beat your ass!
Santana: Save your bravado. Look, I can’t throw very well either. However, you don’t always make the effort to prevent my errant throws from sailing into center field. I don’t call you out on it in the dugout, so get the hell out of my face.
Perez: Guys, guys, guys! This is a organziational structure flaw. Management gave us that white guy who can’t hit or field to play first base, plus our backup catcher hits at a replacement level. Save your wrath for Antonetti come contract negotiation time.