Matt LaPorta Is a Bad, Bad Man

After the Cleveland Indians Tuesday’s night 2-1 loss to the Los Angeles Angels, GM Chris Antonetti was seen leaving his office with a power drill. “We hit the iceberg, said the somber general manager. “The SS Tribe is sinking fast, and I need to bolt things down. No one will be able to accuse me of just rearranging the deck chairs!” When asked if that meant he was backing off his statement that the Indians would be buyers, not sellers as the trade deadline nears.

“Look, I tried to make trades, but there is nobody in the organization anybody really wants. That is what happens when your entire organization is bereft of talent except for an overpaid DH and shortstop that I refuse to trade. Teams are even leery of Drew Pomeranz because he has pitched over ninety innings with this club, more than enough time to be cursed. That damn video of Scott Barnes screwing up his knee is all over the internet, and teams are afraid, as well they should be. We are developing a bunch of relievers though. Too bad we can’t have a thirty-five man roster.”

The Indians had a very good chance of winning when they loaded the bases with no outs in the ninth as Angels’ closer Jordan Walden continued his “Troy Percival vs. the Indians” imitation (Percival was 1-9 in his career against the Tribe). However, Matt LaPorta, who had homered earlier in the game, had the worst plate appearance in the history of organized baseball, grounding into a 4-2-3 double play on a 3-2 pitch. A lobotomized three toed sloth with a bum limb outraced him to first base.

After the game, LaPorta asked, “What do you mean I am supposed to try to run fast in that situation? It is a 162 game season; I need to pace myself.”

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