If the Cleveland Indians stumble out of the All Star Break with a ten game losing streak, fully expect a rather bizarre press conference from manager Manny Acta in which he states that he thinks he wants to be a character in the video game, Angry Birds. “Look at this jutting chin,” Acta will say. “It was made to smash through glass, wood, and stone. I’d be much stronger than that damn yellow bird. I’m built for speed, a sleek aerodynamic warrior. My talents are being wasted here. Matt LaPorta? Seriously? I was born to soar!”
Once Acta makes this announcement, Commissioner Bud Selig will have a brainstorm and announce that Major League Baseball Advance Media will develop a game similar to Angry Birds, using facsimiles of the 30 managers’ heads as the birds and Frank McCourt and Fred Wilpon as the pigs. “Dodgers and Mets’ fans will now be able to take out their frustrations of their respective owners in some innovative online gaming,” Selig will gush. As a twist, the Don Mattingly and Terry Collins facsimiles will be pretty much impotent, just like in real life. Mattingly will veer off target all the time, and Collins will just angrily chirp at the obstructions, which will also represent real life frustrations of the fans. The managers’ facsimilies will smash through things like outrageous ticket/concession prices, traffic, and MLB TV blackouts. This is going to be huge.”
Dead Religions 