Eric Wedge strutted through the Indians’ clubhouse before Tuesday’s game against the Boston Red Sox wearing white satin breeches with shimmering gold trim and a cotton shirt with lace cuffs designed by Zandra Rhodes. Also part of his costume were silk stockings and black leather shoes with enormous gold buckles. As his dumbfounded teams stared at him, Wedge broke into song:
“Here we stand or here we fall
History wont care at all
Make the bed light the light
Lady mercy wont be home tonight yeah
You don’t waste no time at all
Don’t hear the bell but you answer the call
It comes to you as to us all
Were just waiting
For the hammer to fall”
“Eric has a very delicate grip on reality these days,” whispered Grady Sizemore. “It is no coincidence he chose to emulate a dead rock singer to get across the massage that we are killing him. Tomorrow he will probably wear a robe and Tevas, then climb up on a wooden cross to tell us he is dying for our sins. This will backfire on him; most of are still uncomfortable about how he worshipped Casey Blake’s facial hair over the past few years.”
The Indians responded to Wedge’s surreal motivation tactic by exploding for one run in the first inning. “Without Eric, there is no way we get a run across with the bases loaded and one out,” said a relieved Travis Hafner,. “One of us would have grounded into a double play. After seeing Eric pretend he was Freddie, there is no way I was expanding my strike zone. My walk there just might be the turning point of the season.”
Wedge’s antics certainly had a positive effect on the Indians ‘ offense, but it rattled starting pitcher Anthony Reyes. “Look, I am not very good,” said a beleaguered Reyes. “This game is hard enough for me without my manager singing 1980’s apocalypse songs before the game. I couldn’t get that chorus out of my head all 2+ innings I lasted.”
The Indians offense continued to explode in the second inning as they pushed another run across before Sizemore stuck out with runners on the corners with no outs, and then Martinez hit a sac fly with the bases loaded an one out. “Wedge has been bitching about our lack of productive outs for a week now,” said a jubilant Martinez. “I finally see the light. Why hit a double when a sacrifice will do?”
The Indians new found high octane productive out offense sputtered in the third when the Indians score four runs without recording a productive out. “Skip was pretty pissed when that happened,” said a sheepish Mark DeRosa. “He was fuming about how we knocked out Brad Penney and that we’d never score anything against the Red Sox bullpen. However, I told him that technically my plate appearance was a productive out. I put the ball in play right at the second baseman, and the Sox made an error, wiping out the inning ending double play. I said good things happen when you put the ball in play, Skip. He was still a little grumpy and told me grown men shouldn’t call other grown men Skip. He was pretty damn quiet when I later hit the ball over the fence. That was Albert Belle type shit, bitches.”
When told of DeRosa’s comments after the game, Wedge snarled, “Tell Joey over there that he crossed home plate to win the game because of the little stuff. Cabrera put the ball in play and good things can happen then. Ah well ,this bunch will find a way to lose it tomorrow.
Wedge's Pre Game Look
Dead Religions 