Quakes’ Home Opener


Bring Out Your Dead!

Late game start because of the PAGENTRY of Opening Day, which in Rancho Cucamonga, consists of corrupt city fat cats being wheeled on the field. Can you say federal penitentiary?

Just a bit over half of the stadium is full, which is sort of disappointing for Opening Night. Maybe if the cheap seats hadn’t been jacked up to nine bucks this season, more people would be here. Supply and Demand, People! Or maybe the rest of the fan base is busy short selling their homes.

And the opposition leads off with a hot shot. It could be a long year in Rancho.

There is an annoying, incessant electric buzz coming over the sound system. It is the 21st century; how can this happen? Call the Geek Squad at Best Buy! And upgrade your Jumbotron while you are at it.

Crazy J is making the scene, shaking hands with the Longtimers. Hey Crazy J, you putting on some pounds, Dude. If you don’t watch it, your neck will start eating your face.

3-0 San Jose – Starter Chris Anderson is struggling — three hits, three runs, and two walks. Welcome to the CARNAGE of High A, ball Chris. If you don’t improve quickly, you will be road kill. And there is the third consecutive walk, loading the bases, and the Quick Hook! Jesus, Skip, it is Game One. Let the kid find himself rather than teach him a lesson.

And a foul ball just smack into a skull of a fan not paying attention. The baseball gods are hungry!

Every time a Quakes pitches strikes out a batter, some charity gets five bucks. I bet it is a lawyer fund for the mortgage writers.

Fun fact — all three of my children have been chased by stadium security at one point in their lives. This stadium is the first place the Eldest was chased. She was about eight and ran into a dead end – a harbinger of her young adult life.

The first inning took over 30 minutes to play.

Crazy J is on the dugout with the Massage Envy people. Did we learn nothing from Auschwitz? Put a stop to the crimes against humanity!

This is one subdued Opening Night crowd. In fact, I won’t be surprised Snyder’s Funeral Home is asked to TONE IT DOWN.

Crazy J just gave the losers in the mid inning contest a prize also. Crazy J is going to pimp Obamacare next inning.

The Youngsters behind me are talking about their fantasy baseball stats. They are arguing the merits of ERA. I hope I wasn’t like that when I was young, but I am sure I was. Wait, now they are getting boners over small samples sizes. Little Bads is setting them straight, handling my light work.

Brickhouse! And the whitebread, Brady Bunch crowd does not even move. Hey Marsha, urban legend says your sister was a porn star!

Opening Night concession line woes. It is best not to throttle the help this early in the season, but my Dodger Dog is half cooked. I don’t think it is a real Dodger Dog anyway.

Crazy J is introducing a new game called “Hot or Cold!” The contestant wears a blindfold and searches for the prize while the crowd yells, “Hot “or “Cold” to direct him. Can you feel the excitement? You should – the prize is $50 at Baker’s Drive Thru. $50 of Baker’s could kill the strongest of men though. The game did not go that well – the kid with the blindfold could see through the blindfold and pounced on that 50 bucks. If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t trying!

Chris Jacobs goes yard for the Quakes! Monster shot over the pines. Suddenly the crowd is ALIVE. This is Jacobs’ third year at Rancho — give up the dream, dude.

Kid’s race across the outfield. Who Let The Dogs Out!

Pass the hat for the homerun, a Cal League tradition. Home guy hits a HR, the locals collect money so the hitter can buy himself a nice dinner.

Little Bads is talking about SHOWGIRLS. He’s only ten, but he is hung like a 15 year old.

Crazy J is singing is a falsetto, giving away BW3’s. I will never eat at that establishment again. To be fair, that has nothing to do with Crazy J.

Scouts now videotaping with cellphones. We live in an amazing time!

Tug o War with Tremor – -Tremor is going against a toddler. Tremor is beating the little kid’s ass, then is attacked by four other kids, and the tyke wins. I smell a fix!

Time to shut this down for the night.

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